Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )