In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!