Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred