I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her