Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
honestly, i need both:
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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