Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
is this meant to deter me
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.