lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Meow
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.