anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info