I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
How to find Kentucky on a map
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this