Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Autocarrot sucks!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!