Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”