I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
What personal space?
My dog
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
#growingpains
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out