Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Sign at work today
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times