Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.