Baking is just science you can eat.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
These are too funny not to post 😂
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Reporter: *ports again*