“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
You Might Also Like
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Donkey Kong sommelier
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time