[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.