[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what