*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.