Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday