BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You Might Also Like
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Don’t talk down to me
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know