adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend