Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.