Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I can’t be the only one 😂
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day