Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
You Might Also Like
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.