Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.