13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
A Short Story.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.