10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.