I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Skills
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.