Nigella has gone too far this time.
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The Compass
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.