[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Eating wings is the opposite of flying