“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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twitter is a journey
This dude got his own movie?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You got this…
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.