Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
2023 was just a warmup
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.