At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
liiiiiiiiike
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.