Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My biological clock is wheezing.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday