(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You Might Also Like
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Reporter: *ports again*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
just make the entire table out of coaster
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Ovenable?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky