We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
lmfao
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
she has a point
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!