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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Every haunted house movie:
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.