Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.