Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
January has been Januweary