Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*