Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My patience has stretch marks.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.