Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I’ve had relationships like this
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.