I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs