Sooo many times…..
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I feel it
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Think I pulled my liver
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”