No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
That time Alicia messaged me
What about a To-Don’t List?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-