you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
This could be us but you eatin’
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..