@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.