ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.