Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You Might Also Like
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“How’s your day going?”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
it be like that
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH